If people experience positive relations they are elevated and motivated. We have all experienced positive people with positive energy who lift us and let us flourish. But also meet people with reverse effect - we feel depleted, less alive and emotionally exhausted.
Positive relationships strengthen immune system, cardiovascular system and hormonal system ( Dutton, 2003)
Positive emotions are the products of positive relationships. They foster cooperation among the employees. Conflicts, disagreements, confusion, anger get in the way of effective work.
One way of building good relationships is the ability to communicate to enhance trust, openness and support. Unfortunately the quality of communication is fairly low these days.
The accuracy
We are often at risk of mis-communicating with one another. Comparable progress with technology improvements have not, however, been made in the field of interpersonal communications. People still communicate in an offensive, insensitive and unproductive way. It leads individuals to dislike each other, refuse to listen and disagree.
But, it is not hard to communicate supportively to express trust, openness and support. This type of communication seeks to preserve positive interpersonal relationships. We communicate information to others that are complimentary, to resolve issues and strengthen the relationships.
Managers can couch and counsel others to develop supportive communications. They help others to improve their skills.
We try to (1) reward positive performance, and then (2) correcting problems and behaviours.
There is, however, always the risk of offending someone when they act inappropriately and harmfully.
Coaching is when the managers must pass their advise. Issues may relate to lack of ability, insufficient information, lack of understanding or incompetence. The person must understand clearly what the problem is. Sometimes managers do not allow employees to solve their own problems. Sometimes managers need to insist to employees to bring recommendations instead of problems. If we try to resolve all problems the efficacy suffers.
Counselling is needed when issues come from attitudes, personality, defensiveness or other emotional factors. It is important for manager to understand that a problem exist and the attitude is critical.
Supportive communication engages feeling of support, understanding and helpfulness. It helps to overcome defensiveness and disconfirmation.
Defensiveness is an emotional and physical state as the person is agitated and confused. It arises when the person is threatened and feel attacked. Self-protection becomes more important then listening.
Disconfirmation arises when when people feel put down and feel that their self-worth is in question.
The principles
Now let us explore the eight principles of supportive communication that will help us diminish both the obstacles: defensiveness and disconfirmation.
1. Congruence, not incongruence
Congruence means agreement or harmony, compatibility.
The best relationships are based on congruence. It is when what we communicate verbally and nonverbally matches what we feel and experience. It means being honest and authentic.
There are mismatches.Sometimes between what we know and what we experience and secondly a mismatch between what we feel and between what we communicate. When coaching and counselling other honest and authentic statements are sometimes better then dishonest statements. People who hold back what they truly feel create an impression of hidden agendas. Other people can sense it. They trust the speaker less. So, unless the communication is genuine, open and respectful there will be no trust. Congruence is the fundamental key in interpersonal relationships. We need to match the words spoken to the tone of voice.
Striving for congruence, being honest and open does not mean that we should blow the steam, of course, or repress inappropriate feelings. But often when correcting someone we practice very little congruence. This is because we are afraid to respond in an offensive way. But we are to remember to strengthen the relationship with that person in difficult situations. Therefore, we must implement more principles below. Especially when others acts inappropriately and aggressively.
2. Descriptive, not evaluative
It is difficult sometimes not to become offensive when we are to give honest feedback. We might worry about hurting other people's feelings.
Evaluative communication makes a judgement, for example "You are doing it wrong", "You are incompetent", "You have made a mistake". It makes other's feel attacked and it leads to arguments. Sometimes people also put labels on others to resolve their own bad feelings, fear and anxiety. Evaluation happens when other people have no other alternatives in mind. Placing labels on other people leads to them being defensive.
Descriptive evaluation is the other alternative. It is designed to reduce the tendency to evaluate and create defensive responses. It allows others to be congruent and authentic. It involves three steps:
* First, describe objectively your observation in the event and the behaviour that needs to be modified. Talk about what happened, identify the elements of the behaviour that can be confirmed by someone else. The behaviour should be compared to accepted standards rather then personal opinions. They relate to an observed behaviour and objective standards and not motives or personal characteristics of the person. There is less likelihood of the person being unfairly treated. Descriptive behaviour is relatively neutral.
* Secondly, describe your ( or others) reactions to the behaviour, or describe the consequences of the behaviour. Focus on the reactions the behaviour produced. You need to be aware of your feelings and describe them. For example "I am concerned about....", "I was very uncomfortable", " Profits are off this month", " Department quality ratings are down", "Your comments resulted in other participants shutting down". It lessen the risk of defensiveness. We need to describe the feeling in non-accusing way. Focus on the problem-solving.
* Third, suggest more acceptable alternative. The emphasis should be made on finding the solution that is acceptable to both people. For example, "I suggest that you identify more projects", " I would like to help you to identify the things that are standing on the way for higher performance".
We must remember, however, that even by using descriptive communication we offer support is someone does not want to be supportive it will sabotage the results. They may say to you " I don't care what you feel" or "I will not change". Here, the focus must shift form coaching to counselling and focus on attitude. You may say "I am surprised that you sat that you don't care ( How i feel about the problem (Step 1), I think your behaviour might have a negative impact on the productivity of the team ( Step 2), I suggest you work on alternative solutions to this problem (Step 3). Ot "I suggest we seek third party to resolve it in perspective".
There will be, of course, people completely unwilling to resolve the problem. But most people want to perform successfully. When you use these supportive techniques, being honest and authentic not many people will resist. Sometimes a middle ground must be found. But changes will not happen abruptly, therefore it important to follow up on the progress. Reinforcing the sense of caring and genuine concern is important when we follow-up.
In extreme situations, we need to make evaluative statements, but these should be made in the light of established criteria to a prescribed standard.
3. Problem-oriented, not person-oriented
We focus on problems and solutions and not on the characteristics of the individuals. We say "This is the problem" rather then "You are the problem". Statements like "You are too sensitive" define a person, but saying "I was left out out of decision making" or "Two people complained to me about the tone of your meeting" define problems. We do not tell people what type of person they are.
In building positive, supportive relationships problem-oriented behaviour should be linked to accepted standards or expectations rather then to personal opinions. Personal opinions arouse defensiveness. For example a statement "I don't like the way you dress" is an opinion. More legitimate is to say "You dress code does not keep up with the company dress code" or "In this company, everyone is expected to wear a tie". This comparisons give more legitimacy.
4. Validates, not invalidates people
Validating communication helps people feel recognised, understood, accepted and valued. Invalidating communication threatens self-worth and identity of others. It denies the uniqueness of others.
People often do not take time, do not listen, do not try to understand, but interrupt, anticipate, criticise or disregard what is said. In their own remarks, they are frequently vague, inconsistent and insincere. As a result, people more often feel inadequate and more misunderstood.
When we do it, we refuse the opportunity to establish mutual connection. When we don't allow the other party to finish a sentence, adopt a competitive stance, send confusing messages the communication is invalidating. Showing superiority, rigidity and indifference is invalidating. When showing superiority you show that you are competent when others are not competent, powerful where others are not important and it creates barriers. One form of it is to withholding information or coyly to trip people up. Using jargon, acronyms or other words to exclude others also creates barriers. For example, by speaking a foreign language in front of others creates an impression of superiority. It is also bad manners.
Rigidity is also rather unhelpful. If communication is portrayed as absolute and unquestionable and no other point of view is to be considered. It can also be expressed by reinterpreting others words to match our own, never saying "I don't know", or saying that we know everything, unwilling to accept criticism or another point of view, over-simplifying and resistance to receiving personal feedback.
It might also mean now acknowledging of feelings of another person when we say "You shouldn't feel that way" , "You don't understand", "You have been misinformed" , "Your thinking is naive" or "Your opinion is incorrect".
Validating communication helps people feel recognised, understood, valued and accepted. Respect is especially important when a person is of lower status. It helps subordinates feel that they are contribution in making decision or resolving a problem. We treat others as worthwhile, competent and insightful. We can do it by asking opinions, making suggestions and ideas. Some people feel vulnerable and feel excluded and here this attitude is especially important.
We also must be flexible and open to others having important information and can make a contribution to the problem. We are willing to learn and being open to new insights. We say "I might be wrong, but...", "I have my opinions, but what do you think?".
Individuals feel important when they are asked questions. We can identify areas for agreement, identify positive behaviours, positive attitudes and positive consequences. Agreements makes progress possible and provides positive energy. We may see important points made by others before the trivial ones, areas of agreements before the disagreements, advantages of a person before disadvantages, compliments before criticism and positive next steps before past mistakes.
5. Specific, not global
Specific statements are supportive. The more specific statement, the more effective. For example "You have trouble managing your time" may be too general. You may say instead "You have spent an hour scheduling meeting, when your assistant could of done it".
Try to avoid absolute statements, such as "You never ask for my advice", "I always consult you before making decision", "You have no consideration for others". "I am always considerate", "You are wrong. It's a great job", "You will either do what I say or I will fire you". These statements deny other alternatives that leads to defensiveness and arguments.
If someone acts that way you may say "I hope that there are more alternatives then that. Why don't we explore them?".
Specific statements are more useful, for example: "You have made that decision yesterday without consulting me", "By using sarcasm in your response, you gave me impression that you don't care about my feelings", "The pressure to meet deadlines often affects the quality of my work".
However, if the other person may not have control over things the specific statements may not be useful. It needs to focus on a problem that the person can do something about.
Even when offering compliments its right to be specific rather then global. Instead of saying "You are a nice person" we say "You always smile when I see you and you express interest in my work".
6. Conjunctive, not dis-conjunctive
Conjunctive communication is connected to previous message is some way and it flows smoothly.
Dis-conjunctive communication is disconnected to what was stated before. When two people talk at the same time is dis-conjunctive. When pauses are extended it is dis-conjunctive. Control over a topic can be dis-conjunctive. We may switch topic, for example, with no connection to what we have just said. We can be conjunctive by asking questions based directly on the previous statement, by saying only three or four sentences at a time before giving other person a change to input. Interaction, exchange and give-and-take is most useful here.
7. Owned, not disowned
Taking responsibility for your statements is owned communication using words like "I", "Me" and "Mine". Disowned communicators use "We think", "They said", "One may say". When we avoid taking responsibility for the message we avoid an opportunity for interaction. This may feel uncaring to others. Great leaders accept responsibility for their statements. Otherwise the listener is never sure who owns the statement. Owned communication show the willingness to invest ourselves into the relationship and act as a helper.
When we act as coaches we also encourage others to own their ow statements.
8. Supportive listening, not one-way message
Listening and responding effectively to other's statements is also important in delivering supportive messages.
In any conversation, the person who talks the most is the one who learns the least about the other person. Most people dod not develop good listening skills. When individuals are preoccupied with saving face, persuading others, winning a a point, avoiding getting involved they already hold negative attitudes. We must develop the ability to hear and understand others messages.
We need to make some type of response so that people know that we are listening. This can be a nod or eye contact.
How to respond to others
The responses will depend on whether it is coaching or counselling. There are four major responses types from the most directive and closed to in-directive and open. Closed responses eliminate discussion and provide direction.
Advising
An advising response provides direction, evaluation, personal opinion or instructions. It helps the other person to understand something, identify a solution and gives clarity on how to interpret the problem. It is most useful when you have the expertise the other person does not possess. Advise, however, is most appropriate when requested. Most people give advise and direction that is not appropriate.
One issue that can arise when giving advise is dependency. The other person may always have someone to produce answers, direction and clarification. In most cases, when people ask for advise they truly seek for understanding and not advise. Another problem is that we often focus on the legitimacy of the advise, and not the solution. We tend to focus on our experience then the other person's experience. Thus we may give them impression that they are incompetent.
Advise should be communicated as your own experience, but its good to ask the other person on their own perspective. This allows them to permit or reject the advise without feeling an obligation.
Deflecting
Deflecting happens when we switch a problem from the one presented to the one we select. We essentially change the subject. We use examples or analogies to help and give them reassurance. These provide empathy and support. We say "I understand because of something that happened to me", "Let me tell you something similar that happened to me". We can also convey the assurance "Things will be fine. Others have also had this experience". This may be used when we do not want to embarrass the other person. They are most helpful when they are closely connected to what the person just said addressing the problem the other person has.
Probing
Probing responses ask questions about the problem a person just said. We acquire additional information to help and develop more appropriate response. We might keep in mind that 'why' questions are seldom helpful as they change the subject. It is better to ask "Can you tell me more about that?", or ask for clarification "What do you mean by that?", or repeat " Once again, what do you think about that?", or reflecting "So, you are saying that you are discouraged?". We often can turn a conflicting conversation into a supportive one. We require clarification in terms of description and want some analysis.
Reflecting
When reflecting we mirror back what the person is saying and confirm understanding. It allows the listener to feel listened to, understood and free to explore the topic. This type of responses are considered the most helpful with supportive communication, especially in coaching and counselling situations.
We should, however, avoid repeating the same response over and over again, avoiding mimicking the person's words, respond to the in-personal, responding to express feelings before responding to content. We need to respond with empathy and acceptance and do not express agreements or disagreements with the statements.
Personal interviews
One big difference between effective and non-effective managers is that they do not take opportunity to provide regular feedback to their subordinates. This is for them to feel supported, couched and counselled.
Personal Management Interviews (PMI) programs can be rather helpful here. These programs allow to improve manager's relationships with their subordinates. It is simply one-to-one meeting scheduled regularly with the subordinate.
The program consists of two steps (1) role-negotiation session ( with expectations, responsibilities, standards, reporting relationships, especially within the conduct and interpersonal relationships, we clarify the expectations and the goals. This is where the eight supportive communications principles mentioned earlier should be used) and the second (2) one-to-one meeting between the manager and subordinate that are personal and private. The second meetings are most important and focus on managerial and organisational problems, information sharing, interpersonal issues, obstacles for improvement, training, individual needs, feedback on performance as well as personal concerns and problems. We are aiming to improve the performance as well as the relationship. We exercise praise and encouragement and review of actions from previous face-to-face meetings.
Summary
Research suggests, that the eight principles of supportive communication works across all cultures. This is because, the most barriers to an effective communication are interpersonal. The reasons are the generally communication is not supportive. To strengthen it, we can use the following guidelines:
* We need to understand the difference between coaching ( correcting performance) and counselling ( correcting behaviour)
* Communicate through expressing authentic feelings and be genuine
* Avoid creating discomfort and defensiveness
* Use descriptive, not evaluative statements.
* Focus on the problem and not on the person
* Validate the other person to acknowledge their uniqueness and importance
* Use specific, rather then global statements
* Own your statements
* Demonstrate supportive listening
* Implement personal management interviews
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